Armageddon 2004 Review

This is gonna hurt...

• Rob Van Dam and Rey Mysterio defeated René Duprée and Kenzo Suzuki to retain the WWE Tag Team Championship (17:12)
o RVD pinned Duprée after a Five-Star Frog Splash.
o ***
Just about what I'd expect with 17 minutes.

• Kurt Angle defeated Santa Claus (0:25)
o Angle forced Santa to submit with the Ankle Lock.
o DUD
Seriously, does this really belong on PPV?

• Daniel Puder defeated Mike Mizanin in a Dixie Dog Fight (3:00)
o Puder won by judge's decision after the match went through all three 1 minute rounds.
o No Rating

• The Basham Bros. (Doug and Danny) defeated Hardcore Holly and Charlie Haas (6:50)
o Danny pinned Holly.
o *
Speaking of not belonging on PPV.

• John Cena defeated Jesús (w/Carlito Caribbean Cool) in a Street Fight to retain the WWE United States Championship (7:50)
o Cena pinned Jesús after an FU.
o *3/4
Pretty much just Cena beating the crap out of Jesús.

• Dawn Marie defeated Miss Jackie (w/Charlie Haas as Special Guest Referee) (1:43)
o Marie pinned Jackie with a Rolling Clutch Pin and a handful of tights.
o After the match Haas proposed to Marie but then called both of them sluts and walked away.
o DUD
At least it was short.

• The Big Show defeated Mark Jindrak, Luther Reigns and Kurt Angle in a Handicap match (9:55)
o Big Show pinned Jindrak after a F-5.
o *1/2
A bad Smackdown main event where they "stack the odds."

• Funaki defeated Spike Dudley to win the WWE Cruiserweight Championship (9:29)
o Funaki pinned Dudley with a Bridge Pin.
o *1/2
Wow. Funaki just got 9 minutes on PPV.

• John "Bradshaw" Layfield defeated Eddie Guerrero, The Undertaker and Booker T in a Fatal Four-Way match to retain the WWE Championship (25:36)
o JBL pinned Booker after a Clothesline from Hell.
o During the match, Heidenreich attacked Undertaker twice.
o **3/3
Really solid match.

~ First and last match were pretty good, but the rest was really bad.